Around this time last year, so much warm love slipped through my fingers. I watched it all go down the drain; I couldn't save it in time. I was served love on a silver platter after long, dreadful years of crying over not being loved enough and not being fed well enough.
I still pushed it away with all the ungratefulness I could find in the world, with all the remorse and guilt, with all the fear of losing it all...yet I still lost it all. I couldn't save myself or even the one who could have saved me. double-edged sword. on each edge was a lover, although I made it look like only one lover on one end and a villain on the other. a god on one end, and a human on the other.
I lost you like how I lost my chord with god in the chaos of my heart. a mumbling voice buried deep down, dead love. You were my god; I loved and abandoned you like how a human would. You were my god; handing out so many chances, dreading how much forgiveness was left for me. Couldn't get my eyes off the sand clock, resenting you for not forgiving me unconditionally, hating you for counting my sins. You molded me, you could rip my heart open and see what's inside. All you were going to find was love dressed in terror. If you could see through crystal clear glass, you would've seen through my disguised actions.
Resenting how flawless your act is, it is not even an act. I envied your empathy when you watched me fall in and out of sin, your ability to proudly wear your heart on your sleeve, while mine was silenced, and buried in shame. a disappointed father, a fed-up mother. you were an exhausted over-lover, and I was a distant part-time lover.
I embraced your love with my tongue but faith has not reached my heart. you lifted your veil off me, revealing the ugliness of my nudity. you traced my faults even in the depths of my body and I had to deny, not to let you win. You rebuked me for the sins you once overlooked and forgave. The truth is, I mistook your virtue for unbounded eternal love. I mistook myself as your favorite servant.
“… So great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.”
(Alma 36:14)
Adam's curse was that he knew way too much, while mine was that I feared you way too much. you sent me out of your garden, pushing me out of your mercy, just for me to fall back to where I once was, to where I originally came from, dust. I was down on my knees long enough for them to bleed, humiliating myself for your unattainable redemption. I confessed my sins to you at the top of my lungs, loud enough for my throat to get sore, but it never got through the 7 skies that separated us.
“Wherefore teach it unto your children, that all men, everywhere, must repent, or they can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God, for no unclean thing can dwell there, or dwell in his presence.”
(Moses 6:57)
I vowed to right my wrongs and forsake the sins I once committed. Raised my hands up to the sky, long enough for blood to cut circulating in them, praying in shame, that you -maybe- would get me back under your wing. with no wrath and no compassion, you wrote back " Confession is not an absolution. You committed a sin, and your request for restitution won't even be considered. Find your way out of guilt by yourself and move forward, bien respectueusement". I had to endure the consequences of my transgressions, I had to embrace the fall, the lifelong punishment.
I admitted, I repented, I prayed and begged with blood and tears just to be faced with indifference disguised in rejection. My bruised knees never persuaded you to spare me one more moment in your shadow and your love. A bittersweet ending except there was nothing sweet about it. My prayers were accessorized by you. I couldn't make you love me. this unrequited love, this bad religion, this one-man cult..it did nothing but fill my heart with wrath. Despised the rigidity of your punishment to me, knowing so well I was just a human, it was my first go around in this thing. I watched you cut all the strings that tied us together and it did nothing but aggravate the ugliness of my violations and unjustly demonize me. Watching me curse my humanity, yet not interfere with forgiveness was unfair.
Allah asked, “What prevented you from prostrating when I commanded you?” He replied, “I am better than he is: You created me from fire and him from clay.”
Al-A'raf 7:12
You abandoned me amid my despair, none of my pleas mattered to you and I hated you for it. I give no fuck if the sins I once committed took my right to resent you, I still resent you. The anger I had for you demanded me to accessorize your feelings back, just to cross you even more, Since none of my prayers paid off anyway.
He said, “For leaving me to stray I will lie in ambush for them on Your Straight Path.
Al-A'raf 7:16
How dare you deflect my genuine prayers??!!! I get to vandalize your world in return. I will sabotage all your future lovers/servants whom you are replacing me with.
I WAS YOUR MOST FAITHFUL LOVER/SERVANT/FOLLOWER. YOU THREW ME AWAY FOR THE MISTAKES I HAD MADE WHILE LEARNING HOW TO SERVE YOU BETTER, HOW TO LOVE YOU BETTER!! NOTHING SATISFIED YOU!! NOTHING!!!
My humiliation didn't receive your redemption, and my constant overlooked guilt is pushing me to rebel against your coldness. I will show you how it feels to always have to beg to be loved, to be known.
I will show you how cold-hearted you were for declining my calls, how bruised knees can get from self-loathing...all for nothing.
you had no right to blame me for my desires, to shame me for my sufferings and dissatisfaction, knowing so well of my flaws -from the very first day- yet claiming you loved me so much until I decided to sin and break your heart. I broke my back bowing down for you in shame.
It's nobody's fault but me. For trying to love you, for trying to know you, for trying to hurt you, for trying to protect me, for trying to win you back again, for trying to make you forgive me..for trying with you.
what you had in your heart towards me WAS NOT JUST COLDNESS, IT WAS PURE DISINTEREST, IT WAS DEAD LOVE. I SADLY MISINTREPRETED THE LACK OF RECIOPRCATED INTEREST AS A CHALLENGE TO PROVE MY WORTH.
C'EST TOUT
im sorry im the one you love.
The hold your writing has on me….