I avoid hanging out in the places we’ve been before. That’s like half of Cairo—Old Cairo, Cairo—which reminds me of you well enough that I wish you were here. I can’t remember a time when I stopped wishing you were here, even if it’s the ghost of you. I’m okay with lifting breadcrumbs off of the floor. Funny, right? You got disappointed when I refused to eat from your palms instead. I thought I didn’t deserve to be spoonfed love. I wasn’t born loved, and for every bite, a price. I knew I had to pay, but I had nothing to give. You deserve the whole world. I do miss you, still. It’s been a year. In two or three months, it’ll be your ongoing relationship’s anniversary.
Yeah.
I still can feel my heart sinking to my feet when I first found out. It’s hard looking away. I think I went blind when I looked for too long. I’m looking at what I’m not supposed to look at, but I think I died a long time ago, way before curiosity could.
I keep digging for clues on why/when/how you left. But you look happier now. I swear you looked as happy when you were here, and we both know you hated Cairo. You looked as happy until you didn’t. I misinterpreted the look on your face. Thought your eyes were still burning with our love’s flame. Little did I know, it was our love burning out. I realized it too late.
Too late, you were already in Paris, imprinting your lips on someone else.
I don't know. Was it easy to leave? It’s been years, but I’m still where you left me. I might seem like I’m not. My moves might look plenty, but no matter how far I go, I still find myself yearning for your memory, grieving your memory.
I don’t know when your funeral will be over. I don’t know when I’ll end it.
It’s funny because I know you loved me. Although you were better than me at acting it out when it mattered, I did love you so much that I feared you.
The disappointment I gave you showed you the way out of the door. I don’t think I would have left, even if you pulled me by my hands. You did when I tried bargaining the renewal of your love with my proper showcasing of the love I already had. Funny because I still have it, it never died. It was too late, you were in London with your new lover.
How can someone love so hard and then go on to love someone else?
Don’t get me wrong! I gave you reasons to blow out the candle, I know. But... why did you? I know we weren’t compatible, and it shouldn’t have been that hard to mesh with each other. I wanted to. It seemed like you no longer did.
I don’t know what to say anymore. Dead-ended questions are weighing me down, and I’ve tried everything to shake them off my shoulders. Was I too heavy to shake off too? I don’t think so. I might have feared you more than I loved you, but it did feel like love for me. I was brave enough to fear and bite but not to hold you like how you were supposed to be held.
I still believe you were a hopeless romantic, brokenhearted, and yearning woman in your past life. You reminded me of my mother, and I was raised by her not to be like her. You were too delicate, even for the look before the touch.
Happy anniversary :)
Almost forgot. I went kayaking in the Nile yesterday. I bet we once were in any of the buildings overlooking the same spot my boat was floating on. You would have loved it.
Cairo misses you.
Cairo is the sole witness to so many young love flames, incredible piece hana🥲