I woke up one day when I was 5, and I thought to myself “This is unfair, the universe owes me a lot”. I was always mad, still mad, at the world for not giving me what I wanted. Still mad at my family for making me believe I was special. I was never special, I spent my whole life chasing this facade, just to end up finding out that it’s just a mirage. I weighed myself down with my unrealistic false conjectures about what possibly could have been my wasted potential.
The thing is, the astonishing potential that I once claimed was there….was never actually there in the first place. Whoever’s corpse I am grieving and crying over right now..it’s not there. It’s all made up.
I needed a bigger reason to resent myself and the world. I resented what I once could have been, but couldn’t. I believed it wholeheartedly, that I went completely blind to the bittersweet truth.
I was never special.
The world doesn’t owe me anything.
Nostalgia made my past look better than how it actually was. Kicking me back into endless cycles of dissatisfaction and disappointment.
Knowing the reason for the problem doesn’t necessarily guarantee the ability to solve it. Even being aware of the solution doesn’t guarantee the power to execute. It takes guts.
Hitting a dead end every day. Putting all my energy into anger towards the universe for not giving me what I want. I take rejections as if a knife was dug deep into my heart.
The most I have felt rejection was when I was stuck in place, watching people come into my life just to learn a lesson and move forward to unlocking the best chapters of their lives. I am in the transition phase. I am the hardship, and never the reward. I unintentionally taught everyone I met how to love themselves better.
It’s nobody’s fault but me.
I mastered the art of self-sabotaging.
I suffocated people out of my life.
I ran away from holding myself accountable.
I whined like a baby when I wasn’t given what I wanted.
I kept stomping my feet in anger.
I threw away everything I had, just for that one thing I couldn’t get.
If not all then it’s nothing.
All or nothing.
loved this essay. it’s so incredibly relatable!!